This job has always been difficult. The impact from working nights and weekends, sleep deprivation, chronic stress, the constant exposure to violence and trauma, and the looming threat of being hurt or winding up in the news have always been a part of the job. Despite all of these difficulties, it was still worth doing. I felt that being a police officer was a noble calling. I was doing something difficult that most people were unable or unwilling to do. I derived meaning and purpose from my identity as a police officer. I also paid a price for that identity. I knew that I was a different person six years into the job than I was when I got hired. I also knew that it had an impact on my family and my marriage. They paid a price as well.
I was nearly killed at work a couple years ago, then I was injured again a few months later. The back-to-back injuries shook me and my family and caused me to reevaluate my relationship with my job. There was a lot of thinking, self-reflection, and difficult conversations. I returned to work because I still felt that this was what I needed to do. My relationship to my career changed, but I still believed in what I was doing and why.
The catastrophe of 2020 changed that for me. The national crisis which emerged around policing showed that our community wanted dramatic changes in how its police operated and what they were tasked to do. Unfortunately, instead of being able to spend its energy addressing these changes, my agency was thrown into months of chaos and violence as protests erupted into sustained rioting. Armed and organized anarchist groups targeted police buildings and personnel. Work became increasingly dangerous and terrifying. My job consumed my entire life and left me constantly tired, afraid, and angrier than I have ever been before.
The riots and protests eventually tapered off, but the loud calls for dramatic changes around policing did not. City politics around policing became notably hostile. I no longer felt that my community valued or respected the sacrifices I was making for it. I felt isolated and in constant threat of becoming the next name in the news.
Most frustrating for me, was that the leaders in my agency and the political leadership in city hall appeared to be hiding. Rather than utilizing this national moment to make significant changes in how policing was done, they spoke of change, criticized the police, and then did absolutely nothing to change anything. I felt that I was being tasked with doing a job that the community did not want me to do, with less support, more risk, and higher liability.
Eventually, I realized that I no longer believed in what I was doing. The stress and trauma from my job overwhelmed me and I was no longer able to be a happy person, a good husband, or a good cop. Leaving was one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but I made a commitment to my family and my life over the job I used to love. Having been a police officer will always be a foundational part of who I am, but I realized that the things that I loved about the job were no longer there.
I wish my friends and coworkers good luck and I will always be thinking of them. Stay safe everyone.
