Tomorrow I'm meeting two men about a project
we will be doing in September. Well, they'll be
doing the project, I'll be helping, a bit. It is one
of those events that has nothing to do with my
being a Mom or a police officer's wife. What draws
me into this project are events that were set in
motion before I'd even met my husband. This is
one of those very rare events in my life that is just
about me.
Doing something that, while being supported by my
family, is not about my family sets all kinds of thoughts
moving in my brain. There are all breeds of "What if's"
flitting around in my head.
I love my children, and I think my role here is important,
and I have independent interests (my sewing business,
tutoring, art), but still it is something to think about.
I did once think about a career, back in the dark ages
before children. After college, I applied for a teacher's
program, but the program was going through a transition,
and they only had a handful of open spaces. I was
strongly recommended to apply again the following year,
but by then I was working full time and Big E was in
grad school. I was the breadwinner, and the idea of
both of us in school, racking up debt was hard to
swallow. And then, well, Big E was a police officer,
and then I was working at another full time job and we
were saving money like fiends so we could have a house
and kids and live the life we do now.
So, here I am. Living a life I love, but still wondering
what it would have been like if I'd done differently.
There is something tempting about having a "Career",
with a life story that is public and somehow more tenable
than being at home, doing the "small" things that
make a household tick. Would I have done "bigger"
things, if I had followed up that first path? Is there
anything bigger than what I do now?
It is tremendous to build a family, to be there for
the people you love, to be available. I really don't
think there is a way to build a healthy police family
without someone firmly planted on the home front.
I have no doubt, no doubt in my mind, that Big E
would not be the officer he is now if I had a full time
career. And with Sweet G's illness this summer and
fall... well, there was no choice there either. I am
needed here, and that is important.
It's just when these opportunities do come around,
when I have to find my "Big Girl" clothes and realize
that my go-to outfit has been the same shirt and
dress pants for 6 years, and that those pants are no
where to be found, and I have to think about
verbalizing what I do, and who I am without my children
and my husband, well... it gives a woman pause.
Just because these are the wheels that are in motion
now, it doesn't mean that this will always be the
direction I want to go. It is good to be reminded
that a body has options; that not everything has to
revolve around the people you provide for, and
that someday, perhaps, you might be something
else.