Marsbarn Designs...

Sixteen On.

Big E was hired 16 years ago today.
There has to be some sort of symbolism
to hiring police officers on a day that exists
only one year out of four.  I'm just not sure
what it is.  It's a Brigadoon sort of marker.

Sixteen years.  Sweet Sixteen?  Perhaps not.
I remember turning 16.  I was in Australia as an
exchange student.  My host mother made me a 
fruit cake which had been coated with marzipan
and fondant.  I was not particularly appreciative.
Turning sixteen meant something to me then.
There was a sense of being more grown up, 
of moving toward independence. 

Being on the job for 16 years and still on the street,
just makes you old man on the shift.  You do things
differently, you move at a different pace. You've seen
brass come and go, you remember Old Days,
and you know just how old the equipment is.
The in-car computers might have been upgraded
through the years, and the vest styles have changed,
(they are bulkier and more uncomfortable)
but you know the radios are the same model
as they've always been, the nets are just being used
differently.  You look at your daily uniform, and 
know what is original, and what has been upgraded.
That webgear lasts a long time. Things that were
issued, and now aren't. Hobbles for one. 

Being a police family for sixteen years feels more like
just another year forward, another day in a pattern.
The arrests, the stories, the people, they blend for me
as the years go on.  I remember the illnesses, the 
close calls, and the injuries that mark the years.  
It's like a personalized Zodiak. 
There was the year of Bacterial Pneumonia,
the Year of Viral Pneumonia, the Year of the
Gunshot Wound, the Year of the Car on the Wire,
the Year of the Dog Bite  (okay, there have been
several years like that).

In fact, if it weren't leap year, I think it would
just be another anniversary, just another year between
10 and 20.  There isn't a pay raise.  There isn't a stripe
to add to the sleeve.   It's just another year.
Leap year is what makes it stand out.

Of course, his anniversary isn't leap day anymore.
They changed it years back because the computer
system couldn't be schooled to understanding a
day that only came around quarterly.  
In the beginning, Big E would have to remind the
timekeepers that his anniversary had come and gone.
(Of course, that was when we had Timekeepers
and there were pay raises.  Now time keeping has
been centralized and the pay raises are long gone.  
This is another one of those "Used to Be" things you
notice when you've been on for sixteen years.)

Fifteen Years

Fifteen years...

-6 dog bites
-2 bouts of pneumonia (one viral, one bacterial)
-1 twisted ankle
-1 citywide community policing award
-100's of cars pushed to safety (with push-bumper and by foot)
-1 movie style car pursuit with bad guy gunfire
-1 locomotive stopped before it collided with a car stalled on the tracks.
-6 police chiefs
-2 precincts
-1 gunshot wound
-3 pairs of Danner Boots
-2  9 mm Glocks
-4 bullet resistant vests
-3 different models of car
-3 different mobil computer systems
-7 police funerals attended
-3000+ police stickers given to children and adults

Too many arrests, perimeters, drunk drivers, late nights, fights, neighborhood meetings, dead bodies, recovered stolen cars, and people helped to count.

Happy Anniversary Big E.  

not particularly with the program yet

I am trying to get my game on,
but my inner night owl has taken over.
Big E is back to work, and I've been being bad.

One of the things people (okay, women) ask me 
about Big E's job is how I handle evenings.  
And honestly, once I'm in a routine, it isn't really a problem.  
I have my own time to work on projects, 
or listen to books on tape, or watch TV 
without having to justify my (questionable) taste to anyone.  
I have a bedtime, and I follow the program.

But sometimes, I just don't want to go to bed.
There is a certain anxiety of missing something, 
a phone call, a knock on the door, 
of something happening and not being ready.

And yes, there is also the totally irrational feeling 
that if I am awake nothing will go wrong. 
Totally erroneous.

First dog bite? Before dinner time. 

Last dog bite?  Not even close to bedtime.

GSW?  Middle of the afternoon.

But still, the feeling continues to lurk there.
And there must be some truth to it, 
because reacting to an emergency with bedhead 
and pillow creases on your face 
must make things worse, right?  
Not to mention answering the door to brass
in jammies 
and without a bra...  
The mind reels.

I know I'll pull myself together and set a routine.
I'm just being self indulgent by staying up late.
I'm playing games with myself 
and pretending that the vacation isn't over.
My real job (after being a mom) is to be a cop's wife, 
and damn it I liked being on vacation.

You take the time you need

So this is Big E's second week back at work.
His ankle seems to be holding up well, and his stamina is returning. The adjustment, after being off work for 3 1/2 weeks is going as smoothly as it could.

Having a spouse at home, when they shouldn't be, is not an easy thing.  On the surface, one might think, "Oh, it would be like vacation time!"  But, it isn't.  Between the stress of the incident, the pain of the injury, the physical therapy,  the irritation that comes from being displaced, and the upheaval of everyone's schedule,  disability leave can be a recipe for animosity and a feeling of distance (to put it mildly). 

The sad fact is that Big E has spent more than 19 months (cumulatively) of his 14 years at work on disability.  That time reflects his GSW, two bouts of pneumonia, a couple of dog bites, and various other injuries.  None of that time was fun. None of it was easy.  There was a whole lot of pain, frustration, stress, rage, night sweats, and grumpiness experienced in those periods of non-work.  

I've often wished that there was a chance for a vacation break between recovery and reentry to work. (Big E spent the girls' Spring Break going between doctor's visits and physical therapy.) 

So.  As part of our aftercare, we are planning a couple of quick getaways together.
There won't be anything extravagant or flashy,
just a night away, here and there, without the kids, so we can be together as a couple.

In need of a Moxie infusion

Hey little girl, can you spare some moxie for your Mom?
'Cause she's feeling a bit down.

We live our lives through the choices we make.
We roll with the punches, and get up as well as we're able.
Then we look around, see the lay of the land, and find a new course to take.

Today is a wipe the dust from your backside sort of day.
But this time,  putting things to right feels slow and hard.
Instead of the normal "weeble's wobble" metaphor 
("weeble's wobble, but they don't fall down"),
I feel more like Humpty Dumpty.

when the day calls for some comfort

You know those days when your heart just feels tired, and you want to surround yourself with your safe, cozy, happy things while and say "Lalalalala... happy thoughts, happy thoughts.. lalaallalaala.."?  

Ya, that's kind of where I am right now.
Another one of Big E's co-workers has died.  
He was coming from work, and was involved in a freak car accident.  On a dark, rural road he collided with a stalled dump truck that had turned out its lights, and was rolling backward.
If we are able to go, this will be our second funeral this year. 

That accident occurred the day after Big E's brother's work car was hit broadside by a semi-trailer.
 Amazingly, his only injury was a bruise on his hand.

So, this is why I'm letting the girls eat whatever they want for dinner tonight.  It's one of those nights where I just can't deal with the whole cooking/Food Pyramid thingie. Nope.  It looks like we'll be eating leftover chicken and breakfast cereal for dinner.