Marsbarn Designs...

It was the best part of my day

 Sweetheart G shared my Taekwon Do class with me today.

She had been adamant when I began taking classes in October that I could only do it if I left her alone in her class. But, when the holiday schedule at the studio opened up my class to families, and I asked (pretty please!) for her to join my class today, she agreed. 

I was so proud to have her with me.
It was absolutely the best part of my day.

I apparently managed not to totally embarrass her, because she said she'd join me again next Tuesday too.

I heard, I just didn't listen

Sunday was one of those days that said, 

"Stop. Rest. Stay in bed."

But I pushed, like I usually do.

There were so many things to get done.

Monday I paid the price.

The migraine was fierce enough for me to wake up Big E and ask him to drive the girls to school.

I slept for 4 hours after they left.

Big E took the night off.

I slept for another hour and a half and ate dinner in bed.

I have to learn to listen better.

I'll have some deep thoughts with the sequins and felt, please.

I keep thinking about this girl.

My Little e, who wiggles, and squiggles, and flits like a 
hummingbird, took to this project with a rare stillness 
and intensity.
She worked, and worked, and worked.

It makes me wonder if I do her a disservice by not doing these family projects more often.  

Lately, I have been trying to make my creativity less insular.  Our Ladies Art sessions,  the group collage parties, and now this ornament making fete, are all an attempt to make a solitary venture into a group experience.

The things I make, while the products might be for others, the process is for me.  It is how I deal with stress.  Want to see me wonky?  Take away all my creative supplies.  Plop me down in a barren environment without access to a fiber, or a pen, or paper, or a kitchen and watch my brain implode.

I have been asked on occasion, how I deal with the stress of being a police officer's wife.  My response is this, the anxiety never really goes away. It comes in waves, and peaks at odd, unpredictable times, but most of the time it just hums in the background. What I find to be the hardest part is the endlessness of it.  We've been doing this for more than a dozen years, so the days, the events, the stress, the injuries, they blend into an endless cycle.  The stress is like the laundry or the dishes; it is a constant part of the way I choose to live my life.  I don't have to enjoy it, but I do have to cope with it.

What I need in my life to keep me sane is something that marks the days.  This day was different from yesterday because I made this, or I created that, or I made this progress.  I need something I can hold in my hands that is proof of today's work. 

 

This is what I have always done.  I make things.  And most of the time, I have made things by myself. 

Now that the girls are older, I have begun to worry that I am too withdrawn into my projects. I enjoy making things as a group, it just takes a part of my brain that often lies dormant.  When I feel the need to create something, my first impulse is not to make it a family affair.  I need to change this.

I follow her lead

 

At the end of Sweetheart G's Tuesday Taekwon Do class, 
she turned to me and said, 
"Mom, I'm not as tired as I normally am after class.... 
maybe I didn't work hard enough."

Oh my sweet, hard working girl, you make me work harder in my class, and keep me honest when I am slacking.

the planets aligned, the angels sang, and the money flowed like rain water

Today was one of those Pacific Northwest days that starts off bright, before going dark and wet until just before sunset when the sun pops out again to make its excuses.  I thought it was quite considerate of the sun to announce the beginning and the end of the day.

 

After dropping the girls off at school, I set off on my Search.   

 

Long story short,  I was amazingly, uncharacteristicly, unexplainably, successful.   Support was found without sacrificing shape. Nordstroms was conquered without encountering any overbearing sales help, and I am now the proud owner of new jeans (purchased on sale) that don't gap in the back.  I even found I'd gone down a pant size (two at the Gap).  Oh, it was a good day.  The heavy rain even held off until we were all home and safe.

more rare than hair on an egg

Tomorrow, I go out on a grand quest.  I go, not in search of hen's teeth, or flying pigs, or baby pigeons but something even more mythical and elusive.

 

Tomorrow, (after a bolstering trip to the art store) I will (bravely) shop for a sports bra that is both comfortable and supportive, and will fit my endowed self. (Ya, not exactly holding my breath here... but this place looks promising. )

And. If this mission is successful, I might even go and try on some jeans while I'm downtown. (Or, I might just run home and hide under my bed. Tough call, really.)

Numbered days

As we walk down the street together 

through the fall leaves, 

my hand holds Little e's hand. 

I can feel how soft her hands still are,

how fragile her bones still feel,

how small she still is.

Sweetheart G does not hold hands anymore.

She prefers to link her arm through mine.

And, 

I am thrilled with the contact;

that despite the strength of her arm

and the firmness of her grip

she is not too old to walk with her mother.

You can only do what you get done

The book fair is trundling along.  Business is slow so far, but between the economy and the plethora of illnesses cycling through the school I can't say I'm shocked.  I've heard from a fifth of my volunteers that they have sick kiddos at home.  One family heard definitively that they have H1N1, and others just have the snotty cold that played at our house last week. Anyway, nothing to do but wash your hands and roll with it.

Today is a chore day. The laundry is humming along downstairs and I have a kitchen to clean.  Fairy skirts are coming together. (Tulle comes in so many bright, happy colors.)  Oh, and Christmas dice bag orders have started to roll in!  So much to do, so little time. I have to keep my mind on what is getting done and what has been done already, and let go of what isn't going to happen.

I still haven't worked this out.

K's comment from yesterday's post really has me thinking.  I am being completely mental about this.  The truth is that I feel serious, heart smothering guilt when it comes to not volunteering for school.  
I think this is a SAHM thing.  

The theory goes like this: 

I am at home. 

I should have available time, since I do not punch a time card,  

and I should use that time to volunteer.

Moms who work 40 hour weeks find time to volunteer,  
I should find more time because I'm not working.

This is how my brain works.
Rationally, I know that I do other things.
I know they are worthwhile, and productive, 
and I should make time for them.

But it's hard.  Really, really hard.
And it is all, 100%,  in my head.
There are more important things in life than this.
I create this sense of guilt for myself, and I need to find a way to turn it off.

Confessions of a Class Volunteer

I sent in my School Volunteer Sheet today.
I'm trying to play to my strengths, and not over extend myself.
In short, I'm trying to outsmart myself.

I said I would do auction projects for both of the girls' classes (if they needed it), but I couldn't do the classroom parties because I "wasn't available".

I don't like class parties.
I never have, yet I do them year after year.

The confessionary bit?
I kind of planned another event on the same day as the Halloween Party.
On purpose.
So I could say I couldn't do it.

More confessions:
My party inhibiting activity was planned specifically for the morning 
(but the parties are in the afternoon)
so that if no one else could volunteer at the party 
I could fill in.. 
you know just in case.

Oh ya, man. I'm a rebel.